One month to go

When I decide to attempt to change my own behaviour in some way, even thinking in terms of a month seems like a long time to commit to something. A complete drag.

I don't really like starting new things. Starting things is probably my least favourite activity. Continuing to do old ones? Great. Perfect. Easy. I love it.

To think that I've consistently managed to do this for 11 months... that I only have one more month to go until I've been doing this a year...

It's sort of hard to imagine. All of 2019 feels both infinitely long and ridiculously short, all at once.

But over the years I've tried again and again to keep a planner habit, to keep a habit of structured, focused to-do lists, and they always get sabotaged by executive dysfunction, stress, anxiety, and life events that just get in the way of forming new routines.

It's absolutely the feel of owing other people, of making this process public, that has made me get this far.

My personal trainer will be leaving my city in February next year, and I've been considering cheaper options for weight training, like joining a group class instead of one-on-one.

But the more I think about it, the more that seems doomed to failure. In a group class, I can easily escape accountability. The number of times I know I wouldn't have shown up to the gym if my trainer wasn't there waiting for me... well, it'd probably be 80% of the time, honestly. So instead of about 94 weight training sessions this year, I probably would have only done 19. That's 77 less sessions. Ignoring the benefits I gain for mood and muscle, in terms of my average calorie burn, that's 25,410 calories burned this year that I would not have achieved without the pressure of being accountable to another person.

Plus, I injure myself easily, and planning different routines and knowing when to change them up and how to challenge myself is stuff I'm a) not interested in personally and b) not good at. But I need to do it. I've lived my life doing less intense stuff, and I know what it's like. If I want to maintain my strength and tone, I need one on one help. I need that appointment, and that accountability.

Just a shame it costs more! I'm so lucky to have had the same trainer now for the last 4.5 years - I have come so far thanks to him. I just hope my next trainer will be as good (because I've come across plenty of bad ones).

Because of my anxious personality, and guilt complex, and fear of authority figures... using external accountability is the most powerful tool I have to push through my executive dysfunction issues. I'm great at planning, scheduling and researching, making lists... so if I had external accountability to those skills, I can achieve so much that honestly I think would be impossible otherwise.

It's important for me that this accountability is to people who are not my friends - because a) I don't like the feeling of making my friends responsible for me doing things, b) I think it would have a negative impact on the friendship in both directions. For accountability, professional relationships are best.

One other thing I experienced over the week below was panic attacks and a desire to quit all my new projects, and I think those were basically all due to the fact that I'm now hitting the parts that just don't feel good. I take my discomfort as a sign that I should stop. When the truth is, discomfort is a necessary part of growth. It's just knowing when to recognise whether the discomfort is acceptable, or if it's a red flag warning you to stop for your own health and safety.

I'm not very good at making that distinction on my own. So I think when I experience that discomfort, I again need to rely on other people - need to talk out loud to other people - and basically check in. Get a taste of perspective. In this case, it could be with professionals, or with friends.

Most importantly, it has to be the right people who know the right way to listen. Having someone tell me to "toughen up" would just make me peevish and obstinate. Having someone say "does this seem like a necessary and acceptable struggle towards what you want?" That would make me think in a way I can't when I'm in my own head. Answering someone else posing that question, I think, would help show me whether the discomfort is a red flag or totally fine.

Have to stay focused on why I'm doing the things I'm doing - and what I love about them. And have to involve other people where I can, too. I support my friends back, of course - honestly I think I've deeply under-used my own support network all my life, though it's only recently it's become so strong.

It's time for all of us bucket crabs to help each other out.

☑ weekly planner accountability check-in for the first week of December. pic.twitter.com/4rg7SMC8rg

— sassa @ davesprite literature club (@AWildSassaApprs) December 12, 2019

But wait, there's more (pages)!

So this week I tracked my health - food, exercise and any notable physical symptoms like low blood sugar dizziness etc. Well, I tracked pretty consistently up until Friday night, then I got a little shaky.

But considering until this point the longest I've managed to track my health is a day, that's pretty good. Essentially, this accountability posting method made me five times more successful than I was any other month this year!

So, even though it's a pain to include extra pics in the weekly-check-ins (less space to show off the pretty planner in the thumbnails, o no) I think it's worth continuing to do this.

Like with my planner, I'm trying to be as open as possible, and only censoring stuff if it's particularly sensitive info, like a friend's address, or my dentist's name, etc. It DOES feel weird sharing this much with other people, but again, the knowledge that potentially someone could click on the entry and read it does make me feel more motivated to stick to my plans and update properly.

On the weekend/Friday I really think my biggest stumbling block was just lack of sleep. We've had a ton of late nights recently, and whenever I stay up really late (say past 1am) even if I sleep in for the appropriate number of hours, I think I don't function as effectively during the day, afterwards.

I also tend to crave sweet foods when my sleep is disrupted or too-little, which tends to mean calorie-dense, nutrition-sparse foods, which is kind of the opposite of what I'm going for... so I really need to focus on a better sleeping pattern this week, I think. The amount of exercise I got was good (it usually is) but the junk food I had on Friday night and the icecream I had on Wednesday afternoon probably cancelled it out... if I'd slept well, I think I probably would have had less of the junky stuff on those two occasions.

There's a few things I'd like to achieve with my health log... increasing my awareness of the shape of the day and the impacts of various things (like sleep) on my behaviour and symptoms is important. In more concrete terms, I'd really like to drop a dress size this year. Size doesn't have nearly as much to do with actual biological health as many people think, and I do support body positivity at every size. Shame has never, ever made me lose weight - in fact, shame often has had the opposite effect, making me stay at home, and not look after myself. All that aside, losing a dress size this year would be nice. I have a very short neck, so even if I'm underweight by BMI I kinda have my chin connect to my neck with a diagonal line rather than a very well-defined jaw that tends to be seen as more attractive. But at least if I'm on the lower end of the scale, the shape of my face is more prominent despite the short neck. So, yeah. Honestly, my reasons are more for vanity than health, because I think my physical health is actually pretty good. Always good blood pressure, etc etc. The only things I'm low on are vitamin D and iron. I mostly just want to drop the dress size so that my jawline is more prominent, and I'll be able to wear more brands of clothing.

Well, also if there's less fat over my muscles, all of my weightlifting tone will be more prominent, which would be nice. My quads are amazing, but unless I tense my leg up, they're not so obvious. The muscle I've built on my back also isn't so obvious right now, but if I drop a dress size, I could show it off a little more. Ultimately, I'd like to get down to a 72cm (28.3 inch) waist and stay there. That's more just a single dress size away, though. For now, just a dress size will do. I have a 'true' hourglass figure, so my bust and hips are both ten inches wider than my waist at any size, and that means I'm bustier than most clothing brands allow for at my waist size. So, a smaller waist = smaller boobs too, so I can then buy clothing that fits my bust (and I can just wear a belt or take stuff in so that it sits nicely on my waist). A 97cm / 38.3 inch bust is still not going to fit into some clothing lines (particularly ones from Japan/China/Korea) but it'll at least fit into all Commonwealth/US label clothing. At the moment my bust keeps me out of a lot of stuff even though the waist will fit...

Anyway. Those are my reasons for wanting to drop a dress size. So the health diary will hopefully help with that, along with helping me track cause/effect of some digestion issues and whatnot. Ideally I should be able to lose a dress size by the end of the year.

☑ weekly planner accountability check-in! Really happy w the health diary, I at least managed five days logging before I started forgetting, which is 4 days more than previously. So I'll keep posting it for now in the hopes I improve even more. pic.twitter.com/gnOIwda6OA

— sassa: 100% (@AWildSassaApprs) July 22, 2019

Now with extra Health(TM)

Well, I only got around to blogging about last week's planner yesterday, so there's not much to add today, other than I'm going to start including my health journal with my planner now, too.

I really don't want to, because it's extra stuff to do, but every time I start recording my food intake and exercise I forget about it and stop sometimes as soon as one meal later. H...hah...

So, I'm going to see if piggybacking it onto this existing habit and mild sense of accountability will help me keep the journal properly.

As far as the point of keeping a health journal goes, I have a variety of reasons, some are to do with some goals for 2019 and others are to help me monitor symptoms I get - I always used to think I had zero food intolerance or allergies but hahahahaha... nope. I just ignored a lot of the small symptoms certain foods gave me. But it seems like the older you get, the more pronounced some symptoms can become, and also, when you cut them out of your diet, your tolerance for them drops even more, so... keeping an eye on how I'm doing and what I recently ate is a good idea.

Plus, I'm really good about doing my weight lifting workouts, but I will take every excuse I can find not to do cardio. So tracking exercise will hopefully keep me aware of the balance of my workouts. I like being strong, but I definitely need a little cardio resilience in there too. My strengths will always be endurance, flexibility, and, well, strength, but yeah... I should work on my weaknesses at least a little...

☑ weekly planner accountability check-in, plus I'm gonna start posting my health tracker too because I keep starting one and then not updating it. So, including it here will make me feel slightly more obligated not to flake out. pic.twitter.com/epOAs9z90s

— sassa: 100% (@AWildSassaApprs) July 15, 2019