When I decide to attempt to change my own behaviour in some way, even thinking in terms of a month seems like a long time to commit to something. A complete drag.
I don't really like starting new things. Starting things is probably my least favourite activity. Continuing to do old ones? Great. Perfect. Easy. I love it.
To think that I've consistently managed to do this for 11 months... that I only have one more month to go until I've been doing this a year...
It's sort of hard to imagine. All of 2019 feels both infinitely long and ridiculously short, all at once.
But over the years I've tried again and again to keep a planner habit, to keep a habit of structured, focused to-do lists, and they always get sabotaged by executive dysfunction, stress, anxiety, and life events that just get in the way of forming new routines.
It's absolutely the feel of owing other people, of making this process public, that has made me get this far.
My personal trainer will be leaving my city in February next year, and I've been considering cheaper options for weight training, like joining a group class instead of one-on-one.
But the more I think about it, the more that seems doomed to failure. In a group class, I can easily escape accountability. The number of times I
know I wouldn't have shown up to the gym if my trainer wasn't there waiting for me... well, it'd probably be 80% of the time, honestly. So instead of about 94 weight training sessions this year, I probably would have only done 19.
That's 77 less sessions. Ignoring the benefits I gain for mood and muscle, in terms of my average calorie burn, that's 25,410 calories burned this year that I would not have achieved without the pressure of being accountable to another person.
Plus, I injure myself easily, and planning different routines and knowing when to change them up and how to challenge myself is stuff I'm a) not interested in personally and b) not good at. But I need to do it. I've lived my life doing less intense stuff, and I know what it's like. If I want to maintain my strength and tone, I need one on one help. I need that appointment, and that accountability.
Just a shame it costs more! I'm so lucky to have had the same trainer now for the last 4.5 years - I have come so far thanks to him. I just hope my next trainer will be as good (because I've come across plenty of bad ones).
Because of my anxious personality, and guilt complex, and fear of authority figures... using external accountability is the most powerful tool I have to push through my executive dysfunction issues. I'm great at planning, scheduling and researching, making lists... so if I had external accountability to those skills, I can achieve so much that honestly I think would be impossible otherwise.
It's important for me that this accountability is to people who
are not my friends - because a) I don't like the feeling of making my friends responsible for me doing things, b) I think it would have a negative impact on the friendship in both directions. For accountability, professional relationships are best.
One other thing I experienced over the week below was panic attacks and a desire to quit all my new projects, and I think those were basically all due to the fact that I'm now hitting the parts that just don't
feel good. I take my discomfort as a sign that I should stop. When the truth is, discomfort is a necessary part of growth. It's just knowing when to recognise whether the discomfort is acceptable, or if it's a red flag warning you to stop for your own health and safety.
I'm not very good at making that distinction on my own. So I think when I experience that discomfort, I again need to rely on other people - need to talk
out loud to other people - and basically check in. Get a taste of perspective. In this case, it could be with professionals, or with friends.
Most importantly, it has to be the right people who know the right way to listen. Having someone tell me to "toughen up" would just make me peevish and obstinate. Having someone say "does this seem like a necessary and acceptable struggle towards what you want?" That would make me think in a way I can't when I'm in my own head. Answering someone else posing that question, I think, would help show me whether the discomfort is a red flag or totally fine.
Have to stay focused on why I'm doing the things I'm doing - and what I love about them. And have to involve other people where I can, too. I support my friends back, of course - honestly I think I've deeply under-used my own support network all my life, though it's only recently it's become so strong.
It's time for all of us bucket crabs to help each other out.
