It's that time again!
Something I've been a little hesitant to talk about publicly, but I do want to touch on at least a little today, is just how much my last job took my brain to pieces and then ran a magnet over the pieces. (Let's pretend my brain is some kinda magnetic storage device so that this metaphor actually works).
Anyway; I was scrambled.
It's frustrating looking back at some of the work I was embarking upon five years ago, and how all that work and passion drained out of me so quickly over the time between then and now.
My skills were a perfect fit for the job. If anything, I was over-qualified. (After years of downplaying my own skills and achievements, I'm trying to treat myself like I would someone else. That is: well. Which includes recognising my own skills (as well as my weaknesses)).
So yeah. I'm skilled. I spent years honing those skills. On paper, the job was a good match.
Sadly the work environment is something difficult to gauge on a job description - and even in an interview. But I was desperate to build up my savings after years of living paycheck to paycheck, and this job paid better than anything else I'd ever done - so I stuck with it.
Those five years can't be gotten back, no matter how much I'd like to. And besides, I got what I was striving for: enough savings that I can now attempt something new, and riskier.
What surprised me, on taking this new step for my career, is just how
badly I really was scrambled from that last job. I figured hey, leave, it might take a month for you to let off steam and remember who you are, but after that you can work just as effectively as you always did, but in a totally new career setting.
Hah. Hahahah. A
month.
I have been working ever since leaving my last job, but nowhere near the intensity I'd imagined I'd be at by now. It's now been four months, and I'm honestly only just beginning to find my feet.
I would have been angry at myself before. Setting unrealistic standards and then kicking myself when I inevitably don't meet them is kind of my thing.
Or, it
was my thing.
I don't intend to do that to myself any more.
If I want to succeed as a freelancer, I have to be my own number one ally. And that's going to take a while to learn.
And this week's lesson is absolutely: transitioning from one career to another, even if you've been saving to do this for years, doesn't happen seamlessly just because the date changed and you're now called something else. Healing from five years of being constantly gaslit by your boss (amongst many other issues at that workplace) doesn't instantly happen once you haven't seen them for four weeks. If I was saying this to someone else, I'd believe it, but saying it to myself, all I hear is 'lazy!' 'worthless!' 'weak!'.
But like I said, I want to be an ally to myself from now on. I want to give myself the benefit of the doubt, and the opportunity to breathe and develop a new routine. Just like I would for someone who isn't me.
Anyway, all that said, I actually feel excited for the future for the first time in a long time. I wasn't excited when I left my last job. I was grateful it was over, but feeling anything other than the scream of the electrons all misaligned in my brain was tough.
Now, I'm actually excited. Well, first, I spent the week above feeling kinda terrified, wondering if I'm really cut out to do this, and if I have any hope of success at all.
But I let myself feel that fear, rather than fighting it, and then: I acted. Just little things. Started a few balls rolling towards what I want my life to be life, along with keeping up the level of work I was and have been doing so far. In another month, I think things will be even better.
I can't predict exactly how much more I'll have healed, how much more efficient I'll be, and how many new leads I'll have on future freelancing gigs in another four weeks.
But I believe if I keep moving forward, and keep facing these fears, and keep working on being a friend to myself: things will get better. Every month, they'll be better.
And how can I be unhappy with that? (I can, because part of me still wants to Achieve and Succeed Like Some Kind of Demi-God regardless of reality, but I'm getting better at looking at those feelings and then allowing myself a little slack to say: okay, but until Zeus himself admits to fathering one of my ancestors, maybe just aim to keep on spiralling upwards, lining up those electrons in my head carefully and slowly, one by one).
